


I was not stable and flawed by pride (So love the one you hold)

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Apology Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2018-01-10 21:04:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1164502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Bones, get that thing off my face." That was the first time since they were in there that he'd acknowledged him at all, and it felt like a punch to the gut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I was not stable and flawed by pride (So love the one you hold)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Lover of the Light by Mumford and Sons

"Jim!" Leonard sped up his pace as soon as he spotted him in the shuttle bay. "Where were you?"

"For what?"

"Your medical exam!" He didn't sound as annoyed as he sounded concerned. "Ten hours ago you were in a damn firefight." He tried to keep his voice steady despite the internal shudder at the thought of what could've happened and how he wasn't there with him. "It's my duty as ship's doctor-"

"I'm fine, Bones."

He grabbed him under the arm making him stop and turn around to face him.

"The hell you are." 

Jim looked away for a second and then looked right at him.

"I'm fine." He repeated, unconvincingly. He glanced quickly at Bones' lips and back at his eyes before walking away into the shuttle.

Leonard stood there for a few seconds before walking in after him, trying to shake the feeling of rejection that was threatening to take over. This wasn't about him, he knew that. But he also knew Jim wasn't okay and he didn't understand why he was being so guarded about his feelings, now of all times. And he knew he needed taking care of, even if he wouldn't admit to it or even allow it.

He took a seat behind Spock and Jim and began setting up what he needed to run some scans on him.

He was planning on ignoring their conversation, it was just the usual, Spock opposing to whatever it was Jim was going to do and it having no effect whatsoever on his resolve. But he heard something that caught his attention, enough to make him join in.

"Wait a minute, we're firing torpedoes at the Klingons?"

"Regulations aside, this action is morally wrong." Spock went on, ignoring him.

"Regulations aside, pulling your ass out of a volcano was morally right, and I didn't win any points for that."

"Jim, calm down." His vitals were shooting up in all the wrong ways.

"I'm not gonna take ethics lessons from a robot." If Leonard weren’t so focused on his work he would've smacked him up the neck, that was uncalled for. 

"Reverting to name calling suggests that you're defensive and therefore find my opinion valid." 

"I wasn't asking for your opinion. Bones, get that thing off my face." That was the first time since they were in there that he'd acknowledged him at all, and it felt like a punch to the gut. 

He was momentarily distracted by the appearance of another person. She introduced herself as Carol Wallace and he watched over Jim's shoulder as he read out her profile. Spock was outraged, even if the most he'd show was mild annoyance, at the presence of another science officer. Jim made a point to take advantage of it, of course. Spock had no reason to feel threatened or jealous, and he should know that. But it seemed that maybe Jim had recently made a hobby out of making people feel invalidated.

As soon as she sat down, he slumped back on his own seat and tried to muster every bit of willpower he had not to break down on the spot as the pilot called out for take-off. 

Jim wasn't next to him to hold his hand or talk him through it. He wasn't even looking at him, he probably wasn't even thinking about him or wondering if he was okay. And he wasn't, they were flying, damn it, of course he wasn't okay. His heart was threatening to beat out of his chest and his eyes were burning but he wasn't going to cry, he couldn't. It was not about him, he knew that, Jim was hurting and he needed some time, fine, he'd suck it up. Or at least pretend to.

As soon as they arrived at the cargo hold, Jim had Scotty ranting off about those damn torpedoes so he stood by and took the time to calm himself down. He still needed to try again. Sulu reported the flight check was complete and Jim brightened a bit.

"Jim, your vitals are way off." He tried, and the concern clear was in his voice but, thankfully, the panic and fear and tightness in his chest weren't.

"Report to the medbay." His tone was flat and that was all he said before sprinting off after Scotty.

That was the third strike. He felt like his heart had either stopped beating or inflated to take up his entire ribcage, and then his head was spinning and his vision was blurry. He was completely crushed and now there was no one there to keep up appearances for. He made his way to the nearest turbolift as quickly as possible and set off to his and Jim's quarters. He knew the captain was going to be on the bridge and he needed to be alone. He had his orders but he needed this first.

He punched in the code to lock the door and leaned against it, sliding his back down until he was sitting on the floor. He brought his knees up to his chest and let the first sob out.

 _This is ridiculous_ , he thought to himself. But he couldn't stop it and, frankly, he didn't want to.   
It wasn't just Jim, it was the stress of the shuttle ride and it was Pike because damn it, he felt the loss too, and it was this stupid mission that was bound to go south some way or another and he knew it. He needed to let it out, and better to do it when he was alone than with someone around, especially if it was Jim. After a few minutes of evening out his breath once the tears had stopped, he let his head fall back gently on the door. He took his time telling himself it was going to be okay, he had work to do and he needed a fresh mind for it. He got up to his feet and went into the bathroom to clean up, striding out of the room and towards medbay. It was going to be a rough shift but he had to power though.

He was already there when the shipwide transmission began and he tried to ignore the turn in his stomach at the sound of Jim's voice. He tried to focus on the positive side of it. He was proud of him, at least as much as he was scared. He practically exhaled confidence and he was holding himself together despite it all, and that was more than he could say of himself.   
He blanked out as much as he could from the words 'I will personally lead a landing party' and tried to focus on the work he had to do. He didn't last long before he realized he wasn't being the slightest bit productive and dragged himself back to their quarters. He was in there not even five minutes, lying down and staring up at the ceiling, when Jim walked in. He sat up, feet dangling off the edge the bed.

"Bones, you're here." He didn't seem too cheerful, but he didn't look disappointed either. He tried not to blow things out of proportion in his own head, he knew all that wasn't about him, he knew.

"Why aren't you on the bridge?" 

"It's gonna be a few hours at warp before they need me up there again. Thought I'd come here to clear my head for a bit. Why aren't you in medbay?"

"Couldn't focus." He shrugged.

"You okay?" He asked somewhat gruffly. Like he didn't really care.

"Yeah, 'm fine." As soon as the words were out he realized how unconvincing they sounded. They were nothing sharper than a grumble and he wasn't even looking at Jim when he said it. His hands were gripping the covers at his side.

Jim crossed the room and sat down on his left, concern washing over his face.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's fine. Everything's fine."

"Bones, c'mon, talk to me. Did something happen?" 

He kept his gaze fixed on the floor, but he could feel Jim's eyes burning into him. 

"Was it something I did?" 

He felt his eyes suddenly watering up again and turned his head to the right. Jim picked up on the reaction and took it like a blow to the head. His face fell as the previous few hours finally sank in.

"Oh. Oh, god, how could I not notice, fuck, Bones, I'm so sorry."

"What for?" He muttered back, choking on the words.

"What do you mean what for? I've been a complete dick to you! The entire time since we left Earth… and oh my god, I didn't even… I didn't even sit next to you on the shuttle, fuck, I can't even imagine how that must've… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, Jim."

"Really, it's fine? Is that why you're trying not to cry? Is that why you won't even look at me, because it's fine?"

He turned his head in Jim's direction but didn't look up.

"You're not exactly at the top o’ your game, with everythin’ that happened, with Pike... I understand."

"That's no excuse to do what I've been doing to you all day. And personal matters aside for a second, it was wrong from the start just for the fact that you're my doctor and it was unprofessional of me not to let you do your job."

Leo glanced up at him for a second but he couldn't bear to hold it like that. Jim went on, his tone as soft as his eyes, steady on Bones.

"Back to the important point here, you're my best friend and my boyfriend." Jim blushed, it always made him a little flustered to say that out loud, and it didn't help that it always pushed a little sheepish smile to Bones' lips, even now. "And I hurt you. I pushed you away when, honestly, these are the times when I need you even closer."

"You're grieving, Jim, you're allowed to deal with it whichever way works for you. If that means you'll be a little colder to me for a while, then-"

"No." He cut him off, shaking his head and shuffling closer, tentatively putting an arm around his shoulders and pulling him closer when he didn't shrug him off. "Just because I decided I didn't want support it doesn't mean I get to decide you don't need it either. You don't deserve me treating you like that."

Jim placed a soft kiss on his forehead and Bones nuzzled into his neck, chin resting on his shoulder. He brought a hand down to rub his thumb over Leo's cheek and tilted his head up gently, making him meet his eyes.

"I'm gonna make it up to you. You deserve being shown what you're worth." Their lips met for the first time all day and Leo melted into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Jim's middle.

Jim moved to sit on Bones' thighs, his knees on each side of him, and leaned forward until Leo was lying on his back, only breaking the kiss to pull both of them up to lie down all the way on the bed instead of having their legs over the edge.

He moved his lips from Leo's to his jaw, trailing down to suck at the spot between his ear and his neck. He hummed happily and slid his hands down Jim's back, tugging at his shirt. He straightened his back and took it off, holding Leo up so he could do the same with his, and then he was on his neck again, bare chests pressed against each other. Nipping and licking and sucking, trailing his hands up and down Leo's sides, sending shivers down his spine.

Jim made his way down slowly, stopping to mark his shoulders, his collarbones, his chest. He flicked his tongue at each of his nipples, Bones' hands fisted in his hair, as his hands moved down to unbutton both their pants.

He pulled Leo's off before crawling out of his own, and kneeled between his legs, hands pressed down on his hips as he kissed the inside of his thighs. His tongue wrote lines along his skin, starting at the knees and making his way up. A light pinch to Leo's hipbone signaled him to lift his ass up just enough to let Jim slide his briefs off and place a pillow under him. 

Jim crawled up to reach for the bottle of lube in the nightstand drawer and popped it open, generously coating his fingers. His weight was on his knees and his left arm, holding him up inches above Leo's face, looking down at him through half-lidded eyes and adoring gaze.

"You're beautiful, Bones." It was barely above a whisper and Leo brought his hands up to his face to pull him down into a kiss.

Jim traced his lips and his tongue with his own and reached down between his legs to circle the tight muscle with his slick fingers, pushing the first one in slowly. Bones pressed against the touch, not breaking the kiss.

He thrust in and out a few times before adding a second one, then a third, all the while mapping every inch of Leo's skin, lips ghosting over his neck and chest and ribs.

He crooked his fingers inside him and kept sliding them desperately slow, his name falling from Bones' lips in a breath as he clenched around him. Jim's mouth hovered over his ear as he kept working him open, scissoring and thrusting gently but effectively. 

"You're the entire damn universe to me, I love you so much." He pressed a soft, closed-mouth kiss to his lips and moved down. His tongue grazed up the underside of his cock before taking him in just below the head, sucking and tonguing at the slit on the way up, fingers still inside him, working slow but not teasing.

He pulled away as soon as he felt him start to thrust into his mouth, and slowly pulled his fingers out too. Leo's whine at the loss was cut short with a sharp gasp when he felt Jim's tongue replace his fingers and he fisted his hands in his hair, eyes fluttering shut to let himself get lost in the sensation.

Jim was as far in as he could, working in loops inside him, grabbing his thighs to help keep him open wide and he only stopped when he felt them tremble under his hands. He wanted to take every step as slow as possible but he knew he needed more than that even if he wasn't asking. He sat back on his own legs once he shimmied out of his briefs and grabbed the bottle of lube from where he'd left it on the bed to squeeze it onto his hand.

Bones watched him stroke himself for a moment, and it was some sight. Eyes shut, jaw hanging open and the lowest of hums coming from the back of his throat. Beautiful. Jim smirked and he blushed as he realized he'd said that last word out loud.

He leaned down to kiss him and let every inch of their skin touch, using a hand to help line himself up and pushing in, one inch at a time, allowing Leo to adjust and relax around him. He stopped once he had slid all the way in and propped himself up on both hands, looking down with a soft smile. He nudged his nose with the tip of his own to get him to open his eyes, the green and hazels shining through even in the barely lit room. He smiled back coyly and Jim actually let out a sigh before leaning in to meet his lips.

It was the perfect amount of tongue and Bones was running one hand through his hair and another along his back as Jim slid almost all the way out and thrust back in again, setting a slow but steady pace.

His lips moved from Leo's to his jaw, nipping lightly along the way to his neck. Every muscle in his upper body was tense as he kept unhurriedly thrusting in, angling it perfectly every time as he placed soft, delicate kisses on every inch of Bones he could reach. Whenever his arms got too tired he'd press himself flush against him and he’d graze tongue and teeth against his neck, allowing him to steal a kiss every now and then.

He gradually began to pick up the pace and rested his head on Leo's shoulder, whose head was now thrown back, nails digging into his back as he repeated Jim's name in shallow breaths.

Jim felt Bones clench tight around him and his own thrusts were becoming more erratic each time. He slid a hand between them to stroke Leonard's length, and as he felt his own orgasm building up he pressed his lips to Bones' in an open, lazy kiss and ran his thumb over the slit, pushing him over the edge with him. They moaned into the kiss along with Jim's last thrusts, more and more shallow until he stopped and collapsed on Leo's just as sweaty skin.

They took a minute to catch their breaths before Jim pulled out slowly making them both wince.

He lied half on top of Bones, one arm over his chest and the other over his own head to run his hand through his damp hair, pushing it away form where it was clinging to his face. Bones trailed his fingers along the arm over his chest and placed his other hand against Jim's chest, feeling his heart beat beneath his palm.

They were looking at each other like it was the first time or like it was going to be the last, like they wanted to take everything in, stopping at each other's eyes.

"I'm sorry, Bones, I really am."

"Well 'at was a hell of an apology."

He couldn't help a small chuckle and nuzzled his face impossibly closer to Leo's neck.

"It's nothing less than you deserve. I should never have thought it was a good idea to push you away."

"You're forgiven, Jim, don' need to say anythin' else." He pressed a chaste kiss to his lips and was met with a warm smile when he pulled away.

"Mind going up to the bridge with me?"

"O' course I don' mind."

"Good." He reached up for another kiss and held him tighter. "Don't feel like being away from you just yet."


End file.
